Confronting techniques

Take the Risk of Asking for What You Really Want!

Those of us actively working with the Law of Attraction have learned that the power lies in our ability or willingness to ask for what we really want instead of focusing and complaining about what we don't want. This asking is easier said then done!

Once I got the hang of it, it became fun to ask for what I wanted. I've had a lifelong habit of only asking for what I thought I could have or deserved or could afford. It takes practice to ask for what you want but it takes even more practice to determine what that is after years of habitually accepting "just OK, "good enough", or "it will do".

Sometimes it may take a step that involves confrontation --- what a dreaded word! It conjures up anger, yelling and fighting. No one likes confrontation and yet the unwillingness to confront an unsatisfactory situation compromises desire and gives our heart the message that we don't deserve to have what we really want. However, confrontation doesn't have to be ugly!

My first satisfactory experience was with a restaurant owner who had hired me to help for a 10 day special event. Wilma had agreed to pay me an hourly wage plus I would receive tips from the waitresses. My job would be to handle the cash drawer, hostess, bus tables, wash dishes, restock when needed and help in all areas. I proceeded to show up cheerfully and on time and busted my buns for 10 straight days.

When my paycheck arrived a week later, I was surprised that it was less than I had expected. She had paid me as a waitress instead of the rate we agreed on, which was less than half! OK, now what should I do? I had given her my all and I felt slapped in the face.

So I wrote her a letter explaining what I had understood our agreement to be and returned her little check. I waited but got no reply or phone call. My next move was to show up at the restaurant and confront her. Oh my! The emotions rampaging through me kept me distracted and upset for days, I tell you! I kept reminding myself that I was a professional, a highly qualified, hard working person who deserved to be treated fairly.

She was ready for me when I arrived and she was angry, just as I suspected. I explained that I had done what she asked, but I remained calm and confident. She told me rudely that I hadn't been worth it. Since I knew that wasn't true, I calmly told her that I was sorry she felt that way, but she didn't get to make that decision after the fact. If she thought I wasn't doing a good job, she'd had plenty of opportunities in that 10 days tell me so. In the face of her anger and belittling remarks, I managed to stand in my truth while allowing her to say and feel whatever she wanted. I didn't try to change her mind and I didn't get sidetracked into a fight.

That first successful confrontation was a delicate dance and the key was managing my own words and emotions, not hers. The outcome was a softening in her and I sensed respect. She ended by offering to write me a new check at the correct wage but I told her no, I wanted a win/win outcome and I would be happy to accept minimum wage since I did receive generous tips and much gratitude from the waitresses. That saved her about a dollar an hour and I could tell that she was surprised and slightly confused. I, however, felt wonderfully satisfied with the resolution of the situation!

The key points that brought this successful resolution were:

my willingness to stand up for myself and ask for what I wanted
self-review to feel fully confident that I deserved to be treated fairly
my determination to manage my own emotional state while allowing her to be, do, say or feel whatever she wanted
my sincere desire to create a win/win outcome
That experience with Wilma has set the standard for me and I've used this model to confront other situations with great results. So go ahead, decide and then ask for what you really want, make sure you feel that you truely deserve it, manage your emotions with calm confidence, plan for the best possible outcome for all concerned and poof! You shall have it!

Smile for No Good Reason

Have you ever noticed that two people can confront the same circumstances with very different reactions? This is a matter of attitude and nothing else. Freedom is being able to say, "Rich or poor, alone or with a mate, physically healthy or not, employed or laid off, I believe that peace of mind is possible."

We have all experienced what it is like to be having a perfectly fine day and have a situation or crisis arise that sends us into a tailspin. It may be something small like a traffic jam making us late, or something more severe like the loss of a job. Our response can seem automatic.

Though at first it may be difficult to accept, freedom depends on recognizing that you're not upset because of what occurred, you are upset because of how you perceive the situation. Key to Attitudinal Healing is recognizing that you are not a victim of the world. 

Another way of saying this is: There is absolutely nothing in the world that has the power to ruin your day. If you are upset, it is because you have directed your mind to be so. Initially these truths can be hard to accept because you have become so accustomed to giving your power away. Every time you blame another person for your unhappiness you are giving your power away. Stop blaming and start healing.

How you perceive a situation will determine your experience and your reaction. Let's imagine that you have a favorite coffeehouse that you frequent. The staff knows your name and always has a warm and friendly greeting as you walk through the door. An extremely grumpy woman whom you have never seen before serves you this particular morning. She appears preoccupied rather than caring about you or what she is doing. As she pours your hot coffee a good portion spills in your lap. Despite your jumping in shock, no apology follows. Your experience is anger: both toward the waitress and the owner, Joe, for hiring such an incompetent person. Then, a friend of yours at the next booth says, "Isn't it great that Joe hired her!" 

"Great! Are you out of your mind? She just spilled hot coffee in my lap and walked away," you reply with your best indignant voice.

"Oh, you didn't hear the story?" your friend whispers. 

"What story?" you angrily reply, still drying off your new slacks, wondering how you will go through the day looking as though you wet your pants.

"Yeah, Joe didn't know her from Adam. He read in the paper that her husband had died last month in a car accident. Apparently her husband's health insurance stopped, and she was looking for another job in order to pay for her sixteen-year-old son's chemotherapy for leukemia," your friend responds.

Now, you still have hot coffee in your crotch, but are you still angry? Unlikely. The only thing that shifted was your perception and attitude. Through discovering a reason to be compassionate, your entire experience changed—and there are always reasons to be compassionate.

An important part of healing (i.e., letting go of fear) is developing compassion. Instead of going out in the world and finding plenty of reasons to be upset, go out and discover reasons to extend love. There are thousands of reasons waiting for you right now. A helpful thought to remember is that a miracle is nothing more than allowing an old grievance to become a current compassion. 

If you ever run short on reasons to be compassionate, remember there is always one good reason: It makes you feel better than anything else you could do.

by Dr. Lee Jampolsky